Finding your own goals in life…

I came to realize that life is not getting the best out of everything. What is the point of getting the best when you had achieved the results? Ask yourself; is this what you really want? What you really hoped for? Or this is just what everybody thinks that this is the best and anyone would desires…

Take a look around you. There are people driving nice cars, big cars with powerful engine, paying high installments every month; people living in big house, bungalows, having a few units of condominium; people having extra services, maids, gardeners, drivers, pet trainers. You name it!

We are always told to be contented, to appreciate what we have and not to compare among human since we’re little. What about now? When we are all grown up, getting older, having wiser thinking and all these thoughts are just dumped into the rubbish bin? A majority of people nowadays are having such thinking. It is not wrong to set high goals, but is there anyone who would look at the other side of the coin, to accept the limits of oneself?

I reached a stage where I was struggling, to find out what I want to do with my life, the next step that I was suppose to take. I thought to myself when my mom says that she is happy with her job as a clerk for many years, my aunt as a clerk who stand a chance to get promoted rejected the offer. Are they able to survive with such pay, to support their family and children? They lead a happy life with their family. They like what they are doing; they put in a little more each day perhaps. For them, having the best is not everything. Be contented and family connection are the things that is more important to them.

There’s someone who tells me that every journey will have their own destination. It does not matter which route you took, you will gain something at the end of the journey. It is just like what Robert Frost did in The Road Not Taken. He chose the route that lesser people would travel and he is satisfied with what he gained at the end.

So to all my friends out there, find your own goals in life. Only your own goals will give you satisfaction in the things that you do. Your hard work will bear fruits. At times when things does not comes your way, do not be disappointed or give up over unsatisfying results. Improve yourself.

If you are lost, having no goals, do not be worry as every journey you take will bring you somewhere. Learning is continuous process and remembers that "When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." So when things comes the opposite ways, take up the challenge and remember what Henry Ford says. Have faith~

Is it what as it seem?

In a state of confusion, happy but disappointed, sad without anger. I still miss him a lot but I will only keep all those feelings to myself. There are lots of questions unanswered. I gave him chance and time to explain what I saw and what I notice from that blog. Why are two blogs so alike? Are both of the writers the same person? I checked on the date the blog was posted and I notice it’s in APRIL! According to him, he wrote that blog yesterday morning but how can that happen? Is something bad going to happen to me as what the cards says? Is it he is the friend whom I should be extra careful that might cause harm to me? :(

Yesterday was my company moon cake festival party. He asked me for movie after the dinner. I am quitting this company soon and I can’t find time for friends or chances to go out so I had long planned to spend time with him during that night. I rejected him for movie at first and after much thinking, I finally gave in. I was quite down but quite forgot about the incident halfway during the show. I’d a mixture of feelings as I still remembered how I felt when I found out the other blog due to my itchy hands of finding those somewhat looks like lyrics or poem from what he wrote to me. Aihz~

I kept looking at my hp, and there wasn’t any sms. “Will you still sms me?, How should I react?” I’d started to think again all the things that he does for me and when he is with me. Can he be trusted? I’m really confused now and scared.

>>Last two days he gave me a surprise as I saw him online in msn and sent me a friend request in facebook. He broke up with his girlfriend. Really surprised me as I thought she’s everything to him. Ah, patience has its limit though. Anyway, we starting keeping in touch again n catch up what we’d miss last time.

Tower, Judgement, Temperance

I hang out with my groups of friends during the weekend and she brought her tarots again. I’d made up my mind and I feel no point of me trying out the cards anymore. My itchy hand played the game again and I decided to ask regarding my job again. The card strikes again and it was the same card which I took the last time I played it. Miracles ah! So I’d made my mind to leave this company as it does not really motivate me to work, due to low pay and such colleagues.

As I’d decided on my relationship, putting all out to repair my breakdowns with in my relationship, nothing much I would have ask to draw the second card. But somehow, somewhere in my mind, there’s him and my second card, judgement comes along. Is what she’s saying going to happen? I didn’t doubt the power of her cards, but yesterday I finally made up my mind and tell him that we should maintain as friends in conversation and actions. He agreed to it without further question. Deep in my heart, I do still think about him. As I thought that I’d removed him from my thoughts, he’ll be away from my life. Things are not as easy as it may seem as I dreamt about him last night. I might lose the chance as how the cards explained but I believe in if it’s yours, I’ll always be.

My current relationship can be considered quite stable, but my feelings seem on and off. It happens when he is talking to me at such and making me quite irritated and losing control over my temper. Sometimes, those disappointments come back when he says about something and those things never happen. Are we really meant to be together? I’m confused. So my third card comes in, temperance. Nothing pretty exciting about it but it may last. And so I told myself that I’d made the right decision to be who I am with as I do see him as the family guy who can rely on, but what about my feelings. Am I being with someone whom I can live with or be with someone who I can’t live without? On the other hand, I did thought about my feelings for these two guys. Is it I haven’t found the right one yet?

>> Finally got a chance to upload my blog. Last night I had a dream about him again. The touch of his hands gives me a warm n sweet feeling, something that it’s hard to explain. I thought to myself, am I getting myself more involve in him or is it just a company as it may seems?

Progression and Development

Heard of people say that those whom you care can make u super happy and super sad? Well, I wasn’t really sure about this but this is what I felt. We spend our next gathering in the apartment Batu Ferringhi, Penang. We settle down and took some rest. We had a swim and waited for the time for the bbq to come. Geez, whole night I was so busy socializing with my friends and didn’t realize that I’d neglected my bf. I chatted from friends to friends, moving around all the time. This is when I was surprise to receive sms from my 012 phone. Who would have sms me at a time like this with this number? It was him alright. I smiled at his sms, is he bored or something? Should I walk over to entertain him as this I’d invited him to join us actually. Wouldn’t it be bad to abandon my bf like that?

One of his sms caught my attention. What has he been lacking in an environment like this? Seaside, food, and people, it’s already perfect I would say. Without hesitation, I walked up to his place and sit beside his friends. We chat a little and gosh, I need to move around again, entertainment one after another. Finally it’s time to head home. We took few pictures and clean up the place and return to the apartment.

It felt so nice after a hot shower. As it’s already late, my bf went to bed after resting in the living room. We started playing card games and drinking a lot. Seldom that I would spend time with my friends like this. I started to feel a bit drunk, so I rest myself on the sofa. We started to see Allen’s performance and we jus chit chat and laugh among ourselves. Sooner did I realize, he place his arms on my waist and bit by bit I could feel that he’s holding me closer to him. I did not reject his hugs and further more I put my hands and his palm. I felt so cosy in his arms. I placed my head towards his and I felt so close to him. I let go of his hands when my bf pic came into my mind. Until it’s about sunrise - 6 am, we finally return to our bedroom and take a nap. We started to pack and it’s about time to head back to KL.

Along the journey back, we were both thinking bout each other. He mentioned that if I didn’t have a bf, we would have started off already. He was trying to put us in a grey zone all these while so that things wouldn’t be hard for me and my bf. But the situation seems to get more complicated now as we show our feelings to each other. I do not feel that we are in a grey zone anymore. I have friends that told me not to lie to myself as they can see who I liked more.

Are things as easy as it seem for me to make a decision to let go of a 4 year relationship and to accept a new unknown relationship merely based on this few days development? I know I shouldn’t have judge the new guy as how he is as I’m attached now. Seeing my bf losing confidence in himself make me sad. He knows that my feelings for him have decreased since beginning of the year. I do not want to see him in pain or hurt his feelings. I’m jus torn between two, dilemmas.

I hope that I can get him out of my mind and just concentrate on my current relationship, though at times I thought about progressing with the new guy. Aihz

Khalyn’s Update

It’s been quite a while since the last time I pen down my feelings in my blog. I’d finally decided to stay with my current relationship. After considering the old times and my feelings, I realize I still want to continue with my current relationship. I am tired of staring anew. Be it I do not know what lies in front of me and everything will be uncertain. In compared to my current relationship, he still cares for me, for us and for our future. What more must I ask from a guy? I should be contented, be grateful and be more obedient. Nevertheless, I still feel happy being with him and that’s more than enough, right?

Human is always greedy, that’s why discipline comes in. well, on the other hand, my social circle will still grow, but nothing more will bloom from there. So I guess, you all can have a picture of what might be coming, right? *wink*

Thinking back and reading about past blogs.

Am I the type of person who is not loyal or do I fall in love easily? By the time I decided to take a break from my current relationship and just at that moment you came into my life. We blossom into some fantasy world; shower each other with sweet words, care and attention. Things make me look back about what I did in the past-flirt. Do I really flirt with you? Or telling someone that “I miss you” is not so right? I’m worried that my feeling for you now is just a crush as how I felt for the Aus guy.

My relationship with the Aus guy happen very fast and my feelings for him is not stable. Am I so confirmed back than that I developed new love for him? LOL! A kiss- it tells everything. When he approached me and kissed me that time, I did felt that weird feelings. What I can say, it’s just a crush, a temporary kind of thing.

For now, I do not know what love is anymore, perhaps the meaning of love has long gone, I never felt in love anymore. I lose hope in relationship, in guys, in trusting people. Relationship is so risky, without guarantee and full of surprises which would be good or bad. It’s hard to tell. I’m not sure that I am ready to be in a relationship. And so I speak out, I speak out to a third party and he advised me few things. It makes me think a lot, think about it for quite long during the nights. Thinking of what I really want now, he asked me to make my own decision. Few of those advise include I need to really think and decide rather than just drag the situation day passing day. :(

My own events report

I looked forward to today and finally it came. I reached there before 12.30pm. I met with Siew Chen later on and the rest of the friends at 1pm. We dine at Mc D and watched the movie called “Unborn”. This would be the third movie that we’d watched together as I could recall. This time, we didn’t sit together. Siew Chen was observing us all these while and we would talk about how we felt towards guys that comes into our life.

I begin to think of my actions again. More questions keep flooding my mind. I stop myself from looking at him so often and another side of me stole a few glances of him. Well, I would say I felt happy when we were walking and talking to each other. Although it’s just s short moment, but the feelings of closeness is there. The feelings are very difficult to describe, but it’s a sweet + happy type of feeling. :)

In my mind, things are under control as my initial plan was to mend my relationship with my current bf and at the same time venture in my new friendship with him. I’d no idea why time pass so fast and at last, it’s time to bid farewell. When I’m almost home, I insist on have a tea talk to clear my mind. I feel that my feelings for him have grown fonder towards him. I asked myself whether is it time for me to make decision now to choose my next path?

I wanted to know how he felt towards us now as I might the only one that think too much and caused this complication to my life. He seems to take it easy; his answered me in his usual relaxing manner. It felt so comfortable talking to him; I just hope that the night won’t end. We miss each other so much and wanted to see each other more. Are things still under control as we’d mentioned or the situation is moving to another stage? I just hope that we could still care for each other.

It’s 1am in the morning and I still look forward to your sms. Every night I will look at my phone for new sms from you. My eyes were half closed and I manage to sleep after that.

That night I had 2 dreams. The first 1, I was very tired and slept at Allen’s car when he was fetching me home. The next moment, I can see the sun is rising at the time, Walla! 7 am + in the morning when I reach home. Q: Geez, am I too worried that I would be home late last night?

The next dream, I was walking with him on a street, some busy street, passing by some company. I don’t know why but the more we walk the more close we get and suddenly we were hand in hand. I could feel the warmness of his hands. The more we walk further, more friends came to notice us.

Ah, what was I thinking that it gave me such a dream during the night? Shall I continue to walk in this dream or wake up and face my reality? Do I really need a two hour of plucking the petals of flowers to know what does my heart really want?

I do like this guy, but most of the time we are only talking over the internet and sms. Are we really meant to be together or the feelings same merely based on each other’s flirtatious sweet words? Must I make any changes now or shall I wait and see how things go? I do want to ask him for a date, spend real quality time with him, but will it be wrong doing that? What will he be thinking? Will he like it? Hugz~